Member-only story
Life Beyond the Pale: Reclaiming Worthiness
Tribal Constraints
Our cultures teach us what characteristics we should express or deny. Most of what we are given permission to own without cultural admonishments, are qualities that serve the preservation of tribal functioning: honesty, good parenting, hard work, loyalty, compassion, modesty, and anything else that does not violate within the pale parameters. Conversely, personal focus on individual qualities are discouraged from infancy throughout all the stages of our development: brilliance, beauty, creativity, strength, self-love, greatness, genius. But paradoxically, all of these qualities are encouraged as long as they are minimized or denied when complimented by others:
“I love your hair.” “Oh, I haven’t washed it in three days.”
“You’re very bright.” “Not really, I just work hard.”
“You’re beautiful.” “Well, if you could only see me in the mornings.”
How We Learn Denial of Excellence
We are taught to achieve, be productive, look our best, be competitive, stay healthy, which are good qualities, as long as they are not owned by expressing them to others or confirming them when complimented by others.
“Mommy look how beautiful I am.” “No darling, never say you’re beautiful. Wait for others to tell you, and then…
