Disarming Guilt and Its Insidious Damage
Courageous Disclosure of Motives As Antidote to Guilt
It may surprise you that guilt is not an emotion. It is rather a socio-moral or socio-cultural judgment about doing what is considered wrong or not doing what is considered right in your culture. Studies show that, although people can identify facial expressions of shame and embarrassment, guilt remains mostly undetectable: Another reason why guilt is not an emotion.
But… although guilt is not an emotion, it can trigger emotions such as remorse, anger, shame, and other negative affect.
Then what to do with guilt when it surfaces its incognito head?
1. Recognize you are making a judgement rather than feeling an emotion.
2. Identify the emotion(s) your guilt assessment triggers: anger, shame, embarrassment?
3. Identify if your action was protection against your innocence and good will or of someone you love. If this is the case, allow yourself to feel righteous anger (a good immune system enhancer).
4. Identify what you could have done if you had allowed yourself to be profoundly honest with your intentions.
5. Identify extenuating conditions — not to blame others or circumstances nor to justify your actions — but to recognize the coauthors of your actions.
You will find after you reflect on the five points I listed above, that your guilt comes from not having been completely honest with yourself and totally disclosing with others. Once you realize that your judgement (guilt) is related more to your fear of being profoundly honest rather than flawed, express the real motive to yourself and to the person or condition you wronged. This part is not a confession, but rather exercising the healing and empowering effect of courageous honesty. Being one with personal ethics that are higher than the social rules promoting guilt.
Social rules have implicit mixed messages: be honest and nice. Honesty cannot be judged by how others will respond to your courage to simply have the decency to be transparent. In fact, by being transparent you are honoring yourself and those you trust. Also, being honest does not mean you have to be rude, aggressive, or insensitive. It’s an opportunity to coauthor your highest level of maturity by being true to yourself with inclusive compassion.
Example:
You tell your partner he’s gained weight, and realize you hurt his feelings.
The guilty judgement triggers shame.
The assessment of courageous honesty requires identifying your true motive: Losing physical attraction and concerns about possible disconnection.
This example may appear as superficial basis for a relationship, but if you dig deeper into your transparent self, you will find that whether “socially acceptable” or not, you may have intimacy concerns that need to be addressed as your superficiality or your partner’s lack of commitment to stay healthy and fit. Relationships require coauthoring health and attractiveness. If both partners can be profoundly honest, in this example, weight ceases to be an issue in attractiveness, and the real culprits surface to find resolution.
